Perhaps we have a bit of a perspective after 3 months in Seoul–though I’m sure when we look back after a year or so we will laugh at what I’m sharing today–so I thought I’d offer up some “high” and “low” moments for each of us. I didn’t poll the troops for this post so all of my chatter and observations may be entirely “off”, significantly biased or just dead wrong! Ah…the author’s prerogative/power/disillusionment!
Youngest first…our brave 13 (almost 14!) year old. Like any teenager (and her sister Daphne) who has been abruptly re-located to a foreign country and cut-off from friendships, familiar routines and American culture in general, Zoe certainly approached our move to Seoul with great trepidation, anger and dread. When we told her about our decision to go on this adventure in mid-July, she didn’t really speak for about 2 days. These days however, even Zoe admits that the transition has been better than she expected. Seoul Foreign School (SFS) is vastly different from PDS, our home for the past 17 years. For starters, it is a school “based in the Christian Faith” and this is new territory for Zoe who had scant knowledge of Christianity and the Bible and had only been to church a handful of times. She is now surrounded by friends who go to church at least once a week, prayers in the classroom and a curriculum that is filling in this major gap in her education. While her lack of knowledge/experience in this area is at times intimidating for Zoe, she has a very friendly, young teacher who works hard to make Zoe feel comfortable in class. Bill and I have been a bit surprised by her ignorance of some of the “basic facts” and welcome the discussion of Biblical stories Zoe brings to the dinner table. It’s always a lively debate with agnostic (Daphne) and Buddhist (Bill?) views adding to the mix. Zoe joined a weekly Discipleship after-school class and generally enjoys the activities though this is perhaps attributed more to the best friends in her group than the actual praying/lessons in faith. Last week, for example, the girls made Christmas decorations while eating cookies.
As the 7th oldest International school in the world, SFS attracts a community of expat students from around the world who are living in Korea, though the vast majority of the students are of Asian descent and look Asian. (Zoe and Daphne, with their blonde hair, stand out, to say the least!) The school is very committed to supporting its diverse international community and educating its students about what it means to be a member of a multi-cultural community. Zoe truly enjoys the material she is learning in her “Perspectives” class and often brings home lively stories of different examples of prejudice/pre-conceived notions one culture may have about another culture based on dress, food, traditions, etc. She is reading more in her free time, due in large part to a great librarian who offers up terrific literary selections from around the world. While this engagement in her studies may be due simply to maturity, Bill and I credit much of the new perspective Zoe has on her”Americanism” and her curiosity about her classmates to SFS and this Seoul adventure.
Uniforms…a definite plus for Zoe!! SFS has a strict uniform that includes outer wear as well as what can be worn during class for its MS students. (There’s a bit of fashion-freedom allowed in footwear and so shoes are now quite important.) As a new-comer, this uniform policy has eliminated a huge stress-factor in Zoe’s life and given her at least an extra hour a day that was previously devoted to “selection of tomorrow’s outfit”. Last week, in fact, Zoe and had a “free-dress day” and we were reminded of the time-consuming, stressful “outfit selection” process as she tried on various shirts, pants, shoe combinations, leaving a giant mess on the floor of her room. Never, EVER did I think Zoe or I would appreciate uniforms, but we both admit now that we do! That being said, Zoe is excited for US and the return to free-dress which feels appropriate for older kids and is certainly appreciated by Daphne!
Another “high” for Zoe, our adventurous eater, is the exposure to new, very non-American food. While she still very much appreciates my Costco runs and the familiar bounty I bring home, Zoe is enjoying all of the Korean cuisine we’ve tried…bibimbap, Korean BBQ, bulgogi, various dried fruit and seafood snack foods…basically everything she’s sampled except maybe the fried squid a teammate convinced her to try at an early morning soccer game. She loves the rice and seaweed combo she creates in the cafeteria daily and is ahead of me on this front since I am still over-whelmed by displays such as this one below.
A distinct “low” for Zoe was breaking her arm since it was not only uncomfortable and annoying to be in a cast for 6 weeks, but it also side-lined her from the select soccer team, final tournament, and PE classes after soccer season. A natural athlete who thrives on the field and loves the opportunity to move her body, compete and the fellowship of teammates, Zoe was a little “lost” this past month as she sat on the benches and watched PE class. This past Monday, that smelly cast came off and her wrist is healing nicely although we do have a follow-up appointment in a month and our anxious Zoe will not rest until the doctor signals the “all-clear” for her growth-plate fracture! Hopefully, we have already moved through this “low”.
Missing friends/the social scene in the U.S. is THE LOW of all “lows” for both Zoe and Daphne. This overseas assignment and its lonely moments are acutely felt by all of us, but by Zoe and Daphne especially. While texting/face-timing/instagramming/etc. are all fantastic communication tools and enable the girls to stay connected to the world they so dearly miss at home, these same venues also heighten the distance/loneliness felt at times. Images of games, concerts, birthdays, Bat Mitzvahs, latest fashion/music trends, hang-outs, etc. missed can really depress Daphne and Zoe, especially since Seoul is now 14 hours ahead of the East Coast and the girls can’t reach out when they most desire/need to. While they both have friends at school, these friendships are brand-new, still awkward at times and don’t begin to provide true solace during a low moment/bad day, etc. Close friendships also take time and energy which is something the girls didn’t really understand, but now do.
As much as Bill and I have a great relationship with Daphne and Zoe, we also remember what it was like to be a teenager and how hanging with your parents is NOT what you want to do every night/weekend…in fact, it is just the OPPOSITE! Weekends, in particular, are rough for the girls and we are working on this. Seoul has a lot to offer, yet it can also feel quite inaccessible and overwhelming at times and there’s a distinct temptation to stay home glued to the computer with its media and connection to the U.S. After a teary interaction last weekend, Bill and I have instituted a requirement that the girls venture out of the house on the weekend (without us!) and make an effort to get to know Seoul better, to explore this city not matter how difficult the language/cultural barrier. I’ve assigned them “Christmas decorations” and given them a budget, in hopes this will inspire them. Time will tell whether this was a good idea or “forced fun”!!
Daphne is still very much struggling with the lack of ice hockey here, especially now that the season at home is in full swing. Updates of fun tournament adventures posted by her Tigerlillies teammates and news of the PDS team on which she would have been a true leader are real “downers”. She does follow the Flyers (who aren’t doing so well…surprise, surprise) on her phone with the NHL app. Last month, Daphne decided to quit coaching the younger kids since she wasn’t able to communicate with them in an effective manner, didn’t like the Saturday 9pm and Sunday 7pm practice times OR the hour long commute to and from the rink, and wasn’t actually playing the game she loves. After many conversations, Bill met a Canadian banker who was aware of the “beer” league and it’s practice times. Last Sunday, Bill, Daphne and Zoe bravely drove to the rink and just showed up, hoping an opportunity would present itself. And it did! Daph happily skated with 20-40 yr. old men (there is one 20+ yr. girl who is also supposedly on the team) for a two hour scrimmage and found the level of play to be on par with her Tigerlillies team (sad statement for those men!). It’s pretty easy to pick her out in the photo below. She was very sore and tired afterwards, but we hadn’t seen that smile or endorphin “high” in a long time! Zoe gave Bill private Korean lessons in the stands which was highly frustrating for Zoe, but enormously helpful for Bill before his next session with Eunsun, the tutor. Daphne is anxious to head back this Sunday and hopes to play on Wednesdays as well after the holidays. A classmate in Korean model building also mentioned a girls’ team…we are skeptical, but on verra!
The Discovery Week trip to Cheng-du China was definitely a “high” for Daphne. The time away from her parents alone made the trip a huge success!! Aside from all of the panda-time, eating and cultural adventures she described in her post, she also made two new friends and those relationships seem to be deepening.
Daphne’s French class, and her French teacher in particular, seem to be emerging as a positive force in Seoul which is surprising all of us. Her teacher challenges her daily with his rapid conversation and she wishes her grades were a bit higher than they are, but she finds the topics they discuss (currently, the environment, pollution, conservation, etc.) engaging and is empowered by her ability to communicate in a foreign language. She’s even expressed a desire to continue French or pick up Spanish in college. Claire is THRILLED to have a sister sharing her interest in languages.
Daph finished her first assignment in Korean model building class and is now doing an independent project. She chose to make a coffee shop….and I wouldn’t be surprised if she puts “Caramel Frappuccino” on the menu board! She’s still deciding whether or not to move onto traditional Korean art or to do an independent study project for the spring semester. Btw…the tiny little ceramic vase was the hardest part of the whole room featured below!
My efforts to learn Korean provide “highs” and “lows” daily. Google Translate is now the app I open nearly as often as Kakao and gmail; it was moved to the front screen of my phone, in fact. Nerd that I am, I devote at least an hour a day to my studies and am still disappointed by my inability to consistently score well on the class quizzes. Minaxi, a young Indian lady, always gets 100% and I strive to keep up, but fail almost every time. Grrr. While my private lessons with Eunsun don’t necessarily synch with my public class curriculum, last week both teachers introduced VERBS!! I love verbs…they open up whole new communication possibilities and, in fact, I was so eager to work with them on Tuesday, I tried out a few new sentences about the weather on the guard at the end of our street and with the man in the shoe shine/key making booth on our “main” street in Seongbuk-dong. I failed miserably, used the informal verb ending/sentence structure, mispronounced the words so badly the shoe/key man promptly switched to English (he worked for Bechtel for 30 years and lived all over the US and world…who knew?!)…so discouraging!!! The flip side of that linguistic failure was a compliment on Thursday from my teacher who asked if I’d been practicing. Highs and lows all day long as I bumble along. I do find solace in all that brain research that proclaims learning a language to be an effective way to generate new synapse growth, keep young, etc. We’ll see!
The core 8 of us left in class are gunning for our big final exam on 12/1 and the teacher is moving very, very rapidly to cover the required material. 50 new vocab words, with all their little lines/hash marks, foreign characters which challenge my old eyesight to say the very least (!), were assigned by Tuesday so I know I’ll be cramming this weekend over coffee.
One must get at least 70% to be allowed to move onto Level 2 and you can bet THIS student is determined not to repeat Level 1!! There’s a relationship forming among us students, too, which is nice so I hope to see everyone once classes resume in February. We have a group Kakao chat going and this morning I woke up to 52 (!) Kakao messages from within the group, mostly jokes, etc but also some plans for a last class celebration. Yesterday, I found out that “Alexis shi”, a 20-ish young guy from France who has a Korean girlfriend and often has to miss class for work, is actually a MODEL who was missing class for a photo shoot. He’s pale, skinny and nothing special in my opinion, but he’s in fact missing the next 2 classes because he’ll be doing a photo shoot in Thailand. Perhaps, I’m going to be famous by association?
I wasn’t sure whether my recent trip to Savannah and Duke would be a “high” or “low” since I couldn’t predict what a return to the States would provoke emotionally for me. Clearly, my saddest, most difficult moments occur when I hear a daughter, parent, sister, friend struggling or sad or anxious on the phone and I am just so very, very far away…truly on the other side of the earth and unable to give a hug or provide real comfort.
So when I stepped off the plane and was greeted by my parents, I was wondering if I’d be overwhelmed by emotions I’d somehow been repressing for months (as we all know, I’m pretty good at that!). I can honestly say I was so, so happy to get that hug from Mom and Dad, but it did not trigger a flood of pent up feelings. We had a wonderful visit in Savannah and a chatty drive to Duke. Eloise was in the middle of exams and barely had time to share a meal/show us her room, but it was still great to see our “LBD…little Blue Devil” thriving at school, moving at her usual breathless pace, all with a big warm smile. I had quite a chuckle at finding “kimchi” on the menu of two different, fancy restaurants in Durham over the weekend. We stayed at the new 21C museum hotel, marveling at all the art in the restaurant and halls and toured the Duke Gardens on a lovely fall day.
Mom and Dad left just before Family Weekend began and Andrea (one of my oldest friends from PU and NYC) arrived to see her freshmen daughter. We giggled, ran silly errands, went to the evening football game, ate Halloween candy and yummy Mexican food (oh how I miss that!!!!) and visited with our two young Dukies.
Together Eloise (for her apartment) and I (key items unavailable in Seoul) spent a whopping amount at Target and I literally stuffed my suitcase until it cracked to fly “home” to Seoul. It was 30 lbs. over the 50 lb. limit!!
It was nice to be in the U.S. time zones as well and to have a few phone conversations with friends and Claire in CA. Bill and I are so grateful that Claire is thoroughly enjoying her new life in S.F. and we are re-living the early years of our married life as she shares her experiences of setting up her apartment, commuting to work, popping up to Napa, hiking in Marin and getting out on the Bay on her weekends. She is lucky to have so many friends from different parts of her life in the Bay Area. She also enjoys the occasional dinners and outings she has with our friends who stand in as her surrogate parents. Bill and I certainly appreciate knowing there are folks helping out while we are so very far away. When my whirlwind week in the States was over, I was worried that I would react to saying good-byes and upon my return, but it was all just fine. I feel very, very lucky to be in this frame of mind and to have the emotional capacity and support from loved ones, as well as the health and freedom to go on this Seoulful sojourn.
At the risk of boring everyone with more pictures of hiking and palaces, I am going to include a few more I took on a gorgeous Fall day. This activity is most definitely a “high” point for me, in case you couldn’t tell. I visited Changdeokgung Palace (considered the second palace and a UNESCO site) and its “Secret Garden” which requires reservations and is known to be one of Seoul’s gems. It is home to a famous painting of the 5 mountains surrounding Seoul that is featured on the “man” (roughly $10) note.
I was not disappointed and spend over 3 hours by myself (but with 50 other tourists) wandering around this stately palace and its stunning gardens nestled into the side of the mountains.
I continue to hike as often as possible, with Bill on the weekends and with a group led by a woman from the British Association in Seoul (BASS) on Wednesdays. Having a leader is key as it is often hard to find the start of the trail, not to mention the bus one needs to take home at the end of the hike. Fortunately, Lorraine not only hikes each trail before leading us and has therefore figured out the public transportation piece, but she has lived here for 3 years and bravely leads us into local restaurants for lunch afterwards. This week, she ordered a hot, soft tofu soup with clams (all of which I thought I HATED?!!) and it was delicious. As many of you know, I’m goal-oriented and so you won’t be surprised to learn that I dropped by City Hall to get my Seoul City Walk Map and stamp booklet. I completed my first section of this walk, found the stamping post and proudly put the first stamp in this past Wednesday…despite the rainy, cold weather I might add!
A “high” point for all of us was an evening stroll along the stream in front of Bill’s office during the Lantern Festival. It was a school night so I was met with heavy resistance when I first suggested the outing (another “forced family fun” moment), but the evening was warm and the floating lanterns were magnificent. There are images of a traditional Hanok house, the famous 5 mountain painting and others of more intimate street scenes one finds in Seoul. A popular activity was making a paper lantern, decorating it with wishes and then launching down the stream.
As much as Daphne and Zoe wanted to participate, the line was just too long and bedtime was calling. When we awoke to much colder, rainy weather the next day, all of us were glad to have made the effort and I smiled a secret to myself.
Client calls and opportunities to get out of the office are “highs” for Bill. Yesterday, he was invited on a tour of Hyundai’s facilities an hour outside the city. Hyundai is far more than a car company, though it is the largest one in South Korea and second behind Toyota in Asia. Founded as recently as 2000, it is the third largest chaebol behind Samsung and SK with a multitude of affiliate and subsidiary companies in a variety of industries.
Rarely does Hyundai offer tours of the shipyard/auto facility Bill and his colleagues visited. Despite instructions to the contrary, Bill took these pictures surreptitiously and even got yelled at (public shame!) for the last shot showing the conveyor belt that carries the iron ore off the ships to the refinery. From there, it is processed and re-shaped into the cars that were whizzing all around the ship and parking lot. Bill swears they were going at about 70mph past him and certainly weren’t going to stop if he was in the way! The same ships that imported the iron ore then head off to deliver the finished product around the world. Complete vertical integration and a fascinating tour.
Bill’s daily adventures are usually the topic of our dinner conversations and hikes since he faces enormous challenges everyday and is often the most exhausted of all of us. As often as I find myself confused, frustrated and my communication abilities inadequate, it doesn’t really matter that much if the cashier in the market, the shoe man on the street or (and!) the taxi driver understand me because I’m just “goofing off” compared to what Bill does everyday. His job, his ability to communicate with those around him and customers, his efforts to turn a tough economic market around and motivate a discouraged team of bankers DO REALLY MATTER. His relationship with his translator has improved dramatically, and she now makes an effort to translate everything that is said in the room vs. avoiding the translation of side-conversations that didn’t involve Bill (or so he thought/guessed?!) and that is having a big impact. There are however still constant communication break-downs. Just when he thinks he has effectively laid out a strategy, asked for supportive information before a meeting, expressed concern/disappointment or thinks he has his team all marching together, he is surprised by a complete mis-understanding or purposeful (perhaps?) disregard for his requests/demand. Despite being Head of the Commercial Bank, he wonders whether there’s any saliency to his actions or if will always be considered an outsider. Time will tell and there are many variables at play.
At Citibank, only a handful of senior executives speak English and most everyone in Bill’s world barely speaks or understands it well. Some make an effort while others don’t at all. Most of his employees and even a few peers live in FEAR, fear of not advancing, fear of comparing poorly to one’s peers, fear of being laid-off, fired, fear of losing face, etc. Senior management routinely uses FEAR as motivation and threatens lay-offs, etc. to the point at which internal meetings often dissolve into rants, silences and a scared, discouraged workforce. In general, no one wants to take a risk, to speak up in this environment.
Bill’s style is just the opposite in many ways; he is trying to be a “coach” to his directs, to get them to try something new, to work together as a team towards a common goal and to acknowledge and reward success versus constantly highlighting challenges/inadequacies. In this regard, he is truly speaking a “foreign” language akin to his English. Almost never are compliments paid or good deeds recognized and Bill longs for a kind word or reassurance that progress is being made, albeit slowly. Certainly, this Seoul assignment has lent a valuable perspective on the U.S.. business culture and practices. As he says almost nightly, Bill has never, ever been this challenged at work and he knows he’s staying young because of this cerebral exercise. Still, he finds it hard to see past the daily skirmishes and maintain focus on the long-term battle. Daphne, Zoe and I are his biggest fans and we believe in him!!
We had dinner with Cindy and Sherwood Dodge (mutual friends of the Gates) last weekend and Bill could have talked for hours and hours with Sherwood about this pervasive business culture in Korea since Sherwood has experienced many of the same frustrations/challenges over the past 2 years in his work with several GE Capital/Hyundai joint ventures. Again, we were reminded of how important friendships are and how we miss our truest buds at home who would commiserate with us over a beer and a share a laugh or two at Bill’s Citibank “lows” and occasional, but we hope more frequent, “highs”.
Yoga, yoga, yoga is Bill’s new medicine! Despite being tired and discouraged every evening, Bill finds solace in a morning yoga routine before Mr. Choi drives him down to the “battlefield”. The yoga gives him the peace of mind to see clearly and to follow his strategic vision. He is thankful DAILY for no longer having a two hour commute to/from work. A side benefit that I am enjoying is a willing hiking buddy who has far less trouble with his knees! We recently hiked with our passports around the mountains surrounding the Blue House (President Park’s residence) and chatted the whole way about all of these crazy moments we are having together.
A final few shots of various sites we encounter on the streets here.
We are guessing that these are Korean “scarecrows”?
TRAVELING! Without a doubt…is a huge “high” for all of us. We head to Hong Kong for Thanksgiving, Thailand with Claire and Eloise after Christmas and just booked a quick trip to Vietnam in February. Vacation planning is actually a part-time job for me and we hope some of you may join us on an adventure or two! We send our love as always.
seoulfulsojourn.net 